Monday, 27 August 2018

Salam Aidiladha

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Harap saya masih belum terlambat untuk mengucapkan salam Aidiladha kepada semua pembaca blog Nafas Baru. Tahun ini kami tak buat korban. Ibu bapa dan abang saya sedang menunaikan ibadah haji di Mekah dan insya Allah akan pulang dalam tiga minggu lagi. Setakat ini, mereka baik-baik saja di sana. Rasanya, ini merupakan kali pertama saya beraya tanpa ibu bapa di sisi. Nasiblah raya haji. Kalau raya Aidilfitri tu rasa peliklah juga tak beraya dengan orang tua. 

Antara resipi raya haji kami tahun ni ialah rendang ayam, nasi impit kuah kacang, nasi ayam, apam hipster (rekaan adik), lemang dan ayam olek (resipi keluarga). Saya pun tahu ejaan sebenar ayam olek tu. Tapi setiap kali perayaan kami, memang akan wajib ada hidangan tersebut. 



Tahun ini, pak ngah saya membawa kami tiga beradik bercuti di Gunung Jerai, Kedah. Saya pernah beberapa kali ke sana, tapi lama juga dah tak jejakkan kaki di Gunung Jerai. Kami bertolak dari Kulim lebih kurang jam 10-11 pagi dan sampai di sana dah nak hampir pukul 1. Jarak Gunung Jerai dari Kulim sudah melebihi 90km jadi kami boleh solat jamak di sana. 

Macam biasa, perjalanan nak naik bukit tu berliku-liku, lebih kurang macam perjalanan ke Cameron Highland. Tapi yang ni lagi mencabar rasanya. Iya lah, gunung yang tertinggi di Kedah gitu. 

Semasa perjalanan naik, cuaca hujan. Tapi bila kami dah sampai atas bukit tu, hujan turun mencurah-curah macam nak mandikan kami. Saya yang berbaju kurung ayu pada hari itu, habis basah. Awalnya kami berteduh bawah chalet berdekatan. 


Memandangkan hujan sangat lebat dan macam tak nak berhenti, kami bergerak ke Restoran Puncak Kedah berhampiran kawasan tersebut. Kami memesan minuman sambil merenung masa depan yang mencurah seiring dengan air hujan. 




Memang betul tekaan kami, hujan hari itu berlarutan sampai malam. Bukan rezeki hari itu untuk bergambar di atas Gunung Jerai. Akhirnya kami check in di Nur Kasih Chalet. Kata pak ngah, homestay dan chalet lain semua sudah penuh. Nampaknya memang ramai yang datang untuk beraya di Gunung Jerai.

Dipendekkan cerita, keesokan hari tu kami check out dari homestay dan sempat singgah di Tanjong Dawai untuk membeli ikan bilis. Dah alang-alang ada di Tanjung Dawai, saya dan keluarga singgah di Pantai Merdeka naik bot. Sempatlah makan ais kacang dan bergambar di sana. 




Selepas selesai membeli ikan bilis, bergambar di Pantai Merdeka, maka kami pun pulang ke Kulim. Rasanya masih belum puas sebab tak dapat bergambar banyak di Gunung Jerai. Nak pergi ke sana lagi tak tahu bila. InsyaAllah, jika ada rezeki, bolehlah saya ke sana lagi.




Sunday, 19 August 2018

8 Perfect Changes I Wish for USM

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamualaikum.

If you’ve read my profile at the sidebar of this blog, you’ll know that I’m currently studying in Universiti Sains Malaysia (USM), Penang. I felt grateful for having the chance to study in USM. The university has its own good points and I can’t think of many negative points throughout my two years of studying there. I’m going to be a third year student starting next month and I’m looking forward to that.

However, there are some things that I secretly wish the university can change. Some of them might sounds a bit out of the question, but I think it’s only logic to have these things in the university. We are hoping to be a developing country, right?

The authority in USM should probably consider these changes in order to step up one level ahead from the other universities in Malaysia. Of course, these ideas are only what I want personally, but I guess it’s not a bad idea to share it here. Hence, I have come up with this list of 8 perfect changes I wish for USM.

1. Kitchens in Every Room @ A Shared Kitchen

As one of the hostel residents council president, I should not have come up with this idea at the first place. In USM, it is prohibited to cook in the hostel, especially in the room. However, I think the government or the authority should invest some money in order to make this a real thing. I think other countries have already implemented kitchens in the hostel rooms. If it’s too impossible to apply this in each room, then a shared kitchen is a good idea too.

I mean, even if it’s prohibited to cook in the room, students are still doing it. Cooking is necessary to save the students budget and also a way to train us to become independent. Although I’m not that good in cooking, I think that it is a necessity to have a place for students to cook in the hostel. I know it’s quite difficult to create a cooking place with the condition of our hostels. I just hope that someday, someone will eventually find a way to make proper kitchens for the students.


2. A Safety Box in Each Room

Safety has also become an issue lately in our hostel. People steal laptops and money without a trace. I don’t know how to actually solve this problem. I’ve reported the issue to the higher ups but I think the same thing tend to happen every year. In order to solve this problem, I hope the university can provide safety boxes in every room. I know it is expensive but it is also logic, right? It is impossible to open a safety box unless the thief knows the password. This solution may reduce the possibilities of laptops and money getting stolen when you’re not in your room. You also don’t have to be anxious most of the time if you have a safety box in your room.


3. An Air-Conditioned Room for Selected Student Representatives Council MPP @ MPD

This one is just a biased wish since I’m in MPD. But I don’t think it’s wrong to provide special rooms for selected students. These students do contribute to the university so a little privilege won’t do any harm. Of course when I mentioned selected means that only those that are actually doing their job instead of the ones that are lazing around. I’ve mentioned this thing before to the office staffs and of course they just laughed at this idea.


4. A Lost and Found Counter @ Centre

USM students lost many of their valuable things most of the time, especially stuffs like water bottles, matric cards, pencil cases and pendrives. Sometimes you can see people advertise the lost items on Facebook or WhatsApp. But most of the time, you won’t be able to retrieve the lost items. Hence, I think the university should create a lost and found counter where people can drop by the items they found on the street. People that lost their items can go to the counter to find their valuable items. It’s more convenient instead of advertising it publicly online. Why bother the hard way when you can do it with an easier way?


5. A Pool and Gym for Women

USM already has these facilities. However, I’ve never been to any of them even though I’m dying to. I’ve once went to a hotel that provides pool for Muslimah and it is very convenient to use. I think the university should also make an indoor pool or the one that is not a public view. Muslimah really needs this type of pool and I will give the university a big applause and respect if they ever make this true. A public gym is also not convenient for us to use. I don’t really know about the gym but I think they have an allocated time for women at the gym. However it’s usually packed in evening. I just think that having a separated gym is better.


6. Improve Uptown Mall USM into A Real Mall

If I’m not mistaken, there are universities that have large malls inside the campus area. One of them is the Varsity Mall in UUM. I’ve never been there though. A friend of mine used to brag to me about the mall in her college. I know that we already have Bukit Jambul Complex, Queensbay and other malls nearby. But still, having a mall inside the campus area is so much fun, convenient and time saving.


7. A Bus Route to USM Museum and Art Gallery

To be honest, the main reason why I do not visit the museum frequently is because there is no bus heading that way. It’s probably because not many students go to the higher part of the hill. There’s also the Bumbledee CafĂ© on top of the hill. Well I think maybe we can have a bus route somehow around the area. Maybe not every day but once in a week is good enough. The lecturers kept asking us students to go to the museum but I don’t really have the initiative and enthusiasm to walk there.


8. An Application @ Portal to Publicize All USM Club and Societies Events

I don’t think Facebook and WhatsApp is enough for this one. I think it’s quite unorganized to have posters of events in your phone gallery most of the time. I don’t know if we already have any apps or portal that combines the university clubs events. I prefer browsing a specific website to see the latest events. I’m not referring to the USM main programs. I’m referring to even the slightest club activities like a hiking trip, a garage sale, talks and things like that. I think this is a more organized way to promote the club events. I really hope someone can create this in future.



Well, that’s my list for the things I wish to see in my university. I really hope that the first five ideas can be accepted somehow in the future. I think it’s already time for us to take a step ahead.

Wednesday, 15 August 2018

Would You Rather...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamualaikum. Hey guys.

Last time I wrote a post regarding the LGBT issues and some of my friends commented on it. It’s good to know that people are taking this issue seriously. I heard that the minister took back his statement regarding the toilet issue.

As I said before, I quite understand that in certain situation, I might end up doing the same thing as the minister if I am to confront with the any of the transgender. I think it’s quite harsh how people are condemning someone for his statements. I did criticize the statements too, but I don’t think it’s fair to judge and condemn someone’s personality as if you’ve known him personally. That’s just a personal opinion of mine.

Anyway I’m not going to write further on that. In this entry I’m just going to relax a bit. I was exploring Interesting Facts YouTube channel to watch interesting facts around the world. You can say that I have so much free time in my hands.

Then somehow I ended up clicking on this Would You Rather challenge. I found it’s quite entertaining and I’ve been mumbling to myself while answering the questions. I just thought that I’ll share my answers here. I don’t remember if I ever did this before but I recommend you guys to have a try before further reading on my answers, and let’s compare our answers. Let me know if you do.

First of all, you need to watch this and answer the questions. It's fun. Have a try!


So, how’s the challenge? How’s your score? Well then, here are my answers to the questions.

Would you rather…

1. Teleporting vs Reading Minds

I couldn’t answer this question fast enough but I chose reading minds. I hesitate between both of them. At first I thought that reading people’s mind would be awesome. After the time was up I somehow regret my choice. I can travel to anywhere including Rome (randomly pops my mind) if I chose teleport. And I was like… why didn’t I choose teleport? Haha. As if I can obtain any of those powers though.

2.  Find True Love vs Find a Suitcase with 5 Million Dollar

This is definitely a tough question. At first I thought I will go with the money. Sorry guys but we do need money to survive in this world nowadays. But then I thought that in reality, if you found a suitcase full of money, you must hand it to the police or things like that. Then I quickly change my decision to true love. Oh well, reality hurts.

3. Be Transported to Future or the Past

I can’t answer this question. Both are scary and risky. What crossed my mind about the past are the wars  and stuffs like that. It’s great to travel back into history but reality matters. I am so in a risk if I happen to live in the war country.  I don’t really want to go to the future too. At that time I imagined too many modern technology and the thought of that scared me. Thus I ended giving up on this question.

4. Stop War vs Stop World Hunger

Stop the war. I didn’t even hesitate here. I guess stopping the war is more important?

5. Richest Person vs Immortal.

I chose richest person. Immortal is out of question since it’s not logic.

6. Marry a Celebrity vs Crush

Crush. I also answered without hesitation here. I guess it’s because marrying a celebrity is far from my logic. Also I don’t really have a celebrity crush. I was thinking of Bruno Mars for a bit and nope, I don’t want to marry him concerning of his religion and stuff. Wow, quite a realist am I.

7. Dream Job Low Pay vs Hated Job High Pay

Of course a dream job although it’s a low pay. Even though I prefer having a lot of money, I don’t really like doing stuffs that I hate. Having to do something you hate is really tiring.

8. Breath Underwater vs See Through The Walls

I chose breath underwater. I think that being able to see through the walls is a creepy thing.

9. Spend One Night in a Haunted House vs A Week Alone in The Woods

This is a crazy question. I would never choose to spend a week, alone, in the woods. I chose the haunted house without a hesitation. I used to have this conversation with my younger sister before, if I would rather spend time alone in the woods. I told her that I would never go to the woods for nothing.  Surviving in the woods is a thing, but surviving alone is more suffering.

10. Spiderman vs Hulk

Of course Spiderman. I don’t think any girls would choose to have big muscles like Hulk. Or maybe there are girls that like that kind of body. I don’t know, but I definitely against the idea.

11. Werewolf vs Vampire

I can’t answer this one. I thought quite a lot, but couldn’t come up with a decision. Being a werewolf means that I have to suffer two identities for my whole life. Being a human in the morning but a wolf at night. It’s quite tiring to live like that. Meanwhile, being a vampire means that I need to suck blood in order to live. And to find prey for living is quite a troublesome. That’s why I can’t choose between the two. Both are troublesome.

12. Wise vs Rich

Wise. Without a doubt. I have always wanted to be a genius. I think geniuses are the best. Like how are you so genius? If you are a genius, there’s no doubt that you can find money later right? It’s like killing two birds with a stone.

13. Never Eat Pizza vs Never Eat Ice-Cream

I chose never eat pizza. I can’t live without eating ice-cream.

14. Live Without Electricity vs Water

Live without electricity. Of course water is essential for living. People that think realistically must have chosen water too.

15. Poor but can Help People vs Rich but Hurt Others

I chose being poor if it means that I can help people rather than being rich but all you do is just stepping on others. Who can live comfortably like that?

16. Never Be Sad Again vs Never Be Angry Again

I can’t answer this question. Both emotions are essential to me. If I cannot be sad, that will make me a totally heartless person. Never able to be angry again is also quite scary. I cannot eliminate either any of them because both feelings are important to me.

17. PS4 vs Xbox One

I can’t answer this question. Or rather, I skip this one. I don’t even know the difference between the two one them because I’m not a gamer.

18. Eat The Burger vs Feed It to Those in Need

I chose the later. I don’t even like the burger in the picture. It has cheese, salad and tomatoes. I can’t eat that burger.

19. Swim Quickly vs Run Quickly

I chose swim quickly. I’m not an athlete so I don’t need the ability to run fast. I’ll go with a fast swim.

20. Drop A Kitten vs IPhone X

Is that even a question? Of course I’d rather drop an IPhone X instead of dropping a kitten. Who in their right minds would prefer dropping a kitten rather than their phones?

Well, that’s the wrap up to the challenge. I think I have around four questions that I couldn’t answer. Somehow this challenge made me realize that I’m quite a realist person. Although I already realized that a long time ago. I think some people use their imagination to answer these questions and some people use logics. It’s not wrong though. People are different and everyone has their own style of thinking. It’s good to know what other people think too, am I right? That’s the reason I’m sharing this.

Anyway, thank you if you spend your time reading to the end. I hope you are having a splendid day!

Monday, 13 August 2018

My Thoughts on Accepting Transgender (LGBT)

Warning: LGBT activists are not advisable to read this entry.


I’m pretty much sure that most of you have already known about this latest issue regarding a minister that publicize his statement and opinion about transgender. First of all, yeah, we need to know the difference between transgender and LGBT before commenting on the issue. 

I agree with his statement that transgender is not the same as LGBT, but technically it is a part of LGBT. LGBT is the acronym for Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender. Therefore, transgender is one of the groups in LGBT, but I think what the minister wants to deliver was just problems of transgender instead of LGBT in general.

I might not be the right person to speak about the issue, neither do I am an academic person that suits the topic. I’m just writing this as a citizen of Malaysia and this is just my own opinion. Feel free to disagree. I hope this will not be considered as me criticizing the government, minister or things like that. I’m not really into politics. You can say that I’m the type that agree with the right thing, and disagree with things that I think is wrong. Anyway, I’m just going to comment on some statements he said.

1. “If the public continue to label them, that’s why you have 80% of transgender involved in the sex world.”

I never know by putting labels on people will actually lead them to be a sex worker? So does this mean that if we stop putting labels on LGBT, they will stop working in the sex world? I don’t think so. I think having sex is an individual desire, which is not quite related with how public labels you. 

There are also people that have the same concern as the LGBT community, such as drug dealers, drunkards, gangsters or any other types of groups. These groups are also not receiving a good treatment from the society. It is not always about the LGBTs. They also have the difficulties to apply for jobs and fit in the society, but some of them strive hard to get job offers and I believe that is the most essential key to succeed. Effort.

You might be thinking that transgender (trans) and the other groups are different, but I don’t think so. I know many trans that succeed in legal jobs such as make-up artist, fashion designer or artist manager. But I’m pretty much sure there are also many other jobs that accept trans. The question is whether they strive hard enough to get the job or they give up.

Well of course, this also depends on what job that they apply. If he is a guy wearing as a girl and apply at my mum’s salon (for women only) for sure we will not hesitate to reject him. But if you apply a job at a public salon (men and women) I don’t think there would be much problem with that since I used to see some trans working at a salon or barber shop before.

It is true that the public might discriminate them a lot, but my point is, the same goes for the other groups (drug dealers, drunkards). There are people who receive the same treatment in the world. But everything ends when trans gave up and work in the sex industry. 

It’s not really about being discriminated; it’s about how strong trans are to be able to survive in this world. Everyone has their own hardships. They should bare with it. If they are not strong enough to face the discrimination, then stop being a trans for God’s sake.

2. “People go to the toilet because the call of the Mother Nature. So does it bother you where they go?”

Are you being serious? Of course it bothers us. I’m talking from a woman perspective. If I ever see a trans in the toilet, it would be really awkward. He’s a guy and we women have this thing called aurat, personal space and ikhtilat that we need to take care of. I mean, washing your hands or adjusting your shawl beside a girl is not a problem. But besides a guy? It’s okay if he’s your father or your brother but it would be a different case if he’s a complete stranger with no relation to you. That is just not okay. And yes, to answer the question, I am quite bothered with that.

I don’t know if guys are okay seeing a woman in the toilet though. Even though their appearance might look like a guy, you can definitely tell she’s a woman somehow. Does that not a bother to the guys? I don’t know about that. I think my brother would definitely back off if he is in that kind of situation.


However I think this toilet case is most likely to happen in the ladies washroom instead of the men’s. We have more ‘mak nyah’ in this country I guess. It’s really frustrating to admit that statement. Dear men, I’m begging you please stop transforming into a woman. We don’t have many choices these days, so stop reducing our possibilities to find a man.

Anyway, I think even if the trans look like a woman (for example: Sajat), it is still not a good reason to allow them to go to the ladies washroom.  We live in a country that emphasizes Islam as its main religion. We may not really be a religious country that has strict rules, considering we’re living with other races as well. But at least we should defend things as long as we can. 

If we give the permission for trans to use the same facilities as our muslimah, I wouldn’t be shock that in future guys can be allowed to do so as well. “Those little things can add up to make a big difference,” quoted by Tim McAvoy. The same concept as ‘Wala takrabuzzina’, translated as “And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse.” Hence, even the smallest act of zina should be prevented from the early stage.

I can say this for sure. Trans may have the appearance of a woman, but do you even know the sexual interest they have? Are you sure that they are not interested in a woman? Well since the minister said they perform ibadah and homosexuals are accursed in Islam, so they might turn out straight? But then again, a man being a woman is also wrong. Wait, everything is definitely wrong here. Anyway, just think about it.

If I can answer N’s question regarding the toilet, I would answer it. “If the woman is not welcoming enough for us to use the washroom, then would the government or the agency provide a toilet for people like us?” This is my answer. GO TO THE MEN’S TOILET. JUST GO THERE. 

Why should the government provide another gender toilet? We can be accepting, just do not acknowledge LGBT. Accepting and acknowledging are two different words. I can accept that they are what they are; I just wouldn’t take any actions to level up this group to be special. I might sound discriminating, but trans isn’t a normal thing at the first place.

I’m really sorry and sympathized if their environments made them to accept that they are not men. I have always believed that they can actually change the way they are if they have a proper support from the family and the environment. I have always believed in that. Thus I’m not going to blame trans for being trans. 

I’m going to blame to environment where they are raised and the people around them. Just imagine if you have a little brother that is having an identity crisis. You can change that, but you don’t. That’s where he will eventually develop a girl identity in himself if you allow that to happen. Don’t just realize when everything is too late. Dear readers, if your son or brother has a male genital organ, he is a guy. Do not ever treat him like a girl. Please.

Then, should we accept transgender?

I think if you put it that way, it’s okay to accept transgender. I mean, they are people too and they also have feelings. It’s not a sin to be friends with trans. However, in my opinion, acknowledging them is a big no. We live in an Islamic country, and this kind of thing is definitely against our religion. It is haram for men to imitate women and women to imitate men. That is the most important guideline in Islam.

It is true that if you watch stories about LGBT, or you talk to these kind of people, somehow you might be agree with their point of view. They might be saying that they just want to be themselves, live freely and stuffs like that. I think that is probably what N said to our minister. 

I don’t even know how to respond myself if someone talked to me about being trans or lesbian. I might probably respond the same way as the minister, agreeing on their thoughts. We’ll never know if we’re not really in the position of confronting a trans. However, the main thing we have to understand is that what’s wrong in Islam is definitely wrong. Hold on to our religion, and eventually we’ll get the answer.

I think the bright side of the press conference is that we actually give a platform for trans to be democratic as they wish. Let them speak their minds, but do not simply agree with them. Maybe, we should allow more LGBTs to speak, so that the more we can confront them? The problem occurs if we’re too weak to even confront these people. I can see this is our main problem nowadays. Just look at Sajat for example. Freely expressing his trans without us taking any actions.

And why does this transgender thing become an issue anyway? If we can live for almost 61 years without emphasizing LGBT, I believe we can live another 61 years without making a fuss on this issue. Well, that’s what I believe.

Let’s fight for what’s right.

Sunday, 22 July 2018

A Beautiful Pain



She heard the sound of the birds
chirping away into a vast freedom
She heard the sound of the raindrops
touching the roads gently
She heard the noises of people
marching rapidly at 5 p.m.

She put on her favourite cap
took her favourite blue racket
pedalled her favourite bike
quickly against the wind

The wall was hit
by a small black-coloured ball
served but she missed
boasted but she failed

Her mind was puzzled
her heart was stung
her mouth was shut
her hand kept moving
creating the bounced ball sound
her eyes saw everything
but everything seemed nothing

What was it?
She was playing
but her heart was aching
into a suffocation
of perhaps a beautiful pain?

Friday, 20 July 2018

Being judged is... quite okay?




People judge you based on what you choose to share, not what you really are.


I judge. You judge. I don’t think that we can deny, even if it’s a little, that we actually judge people, whether we realize in or not.

Some people might have been getting bad impressions by others. But in my case, I think I’ve been judged better than what I am. Well I hope it makes sense for you somehow. You know, when you kind of excel in something and you just get this impression that you are outstanding?

Well, of course I don’t hear that compliments directly because people don’t really say that to me. In this world, we have a chain of people talking about other people that talk about you. That’s where I usually obtain my sources.

Every time I heard about it, I just don’t know how I should feel about it. Is being judged okay?


Now let me tell you a little story here.


This happened months ago. I was trying to apply for the students exchange program in my university. Of course, applications need a lot of forms and stuffs that you need to do. I was quite busy with my committee work and somehow delayed on submitting the certificates to the International Mobility & Collaboration Centre (IMCC) staff.

Eventually time passed and the finals were just around the corner. I knew I should just send the papers but I don’t know if they are still accepting them. I didn’t go to IMCC for quite a long time already.

I somehow managed to drag my roommate to go to IMCC, so we went there together. Normally there would be a young lady waiting at the counter, but at that time, there was no one there. I looked around and I saw a young man sitting at the couch nearby.

I wasn’t sure who he was, but he looked at me and slowly approached us. Then I thought he might be one of the students that works at IMCC (I still don’t know his position until today).  He has a dark skin, wrinkled hair and a serious face. I guess he might be an African or something. Yeah, I’m judging him here.

“Yes, what can I help you?”

“I’m looking for Kak Nurul. Is she here?” I just mentioned ‘Kak’ out of habit.

“Oh, she’s busy at the moment. But what can I help you?”

“I want to hand in these certificates for the exchange program. But I’m not sure whether it still can be accepted or not. If not, I can just try for the next semester.”

Yeah, I made it sound like it’s not really important there.  To be honest I don’t really mind trying next time because I still have many semesters left. The man said he’ll speak with Kak Nurul. He took my papers and went inside the office. So my roommate and I waited at the couch for a few minutes until he returned.

I stood up facing him, waiting for my answers. He looked at me with a straight face.

“I’m sorry but these papers cannot be accepted anymore,” he said. I was a little bit frustrated there but I somehow expected this.

“Oh. Then, can I still use the same papers and try to apply the next semester?” I also replied with my straight face.

Suddenly the man in front of me smirked, looking cute there. I mean he was expressing his serious face all the time and suddenly he smiled out of nowhere. “You are so innocent,” he said.

Innocent? Wait, what? Hold on. I cannot brain this.

“She said it’s quite late, but she’ll try her best to help you. Come again during the consultation hours on Thursday,” he said. Are you serious? He blurted out a joke just now with a straight face. I couldn’t believe I let my guard down.

After finishing what needs to be done, my roommate and I left the building. But what he said is still lingering in my mind. It is quite shocking since I’ve never get that kind of impression before. It feels strange getting called innocent by someone. I don’t think I’m an innocent person because I usually can read moods very well. Is that how people actually saw me? Nah, I think he’s the only one.

Well in this situation I guess I can say that he judged me based on what I showed at that moment. The guy that I just met got an impression that I’m innocent, which I think I’m not.

After that time, I think that being judged as a character of not your own is… quite okay?

People judge you based on what you choose to share, not what you really are. It’s the same concept of sharing your lives in the social media. Maybe you’re the type of person who shares so many status updates on Instagram, but what you share is just probably 5% of your day?

It means that you share what you choose to show people at that moment, not your entire day, or entire life. People can say what they want because of what you show, they are free to judge.

But they just don’t know who you really are inside. Even your best friends or family do not know you 100%.

My point is, it’s okay of being judged. Sometimes, you can take the judgements as a challenge to make yourself better.  What really matter is, you are the only one who knows who you are.

And that is what makes you, you.


***

Two days later, I went back to IMCC and that guy has completely forgotten me.

Wednesday, 18 July 2018

Cerpen: Sebelum Mutiara Hilang Sinarnya (Bahagian 2)

Klik untuk membaca bahagian pertama.

“Assalamualaikum,” Huzaifah melontar salam. Tangan kanannya menggenggam beg plastik yang berisi dua botol Pepsi yang baru dibelinya di kedai runcit. Pintu rumah dibuka. Irwan menarik tangan Huzaifah masuk, kemudian menutup pintu rumah. Irwan berjalan mundar-mandir di ruang tamu. Tangannya menyentuh dagu, gaya berfikir sesuatu. Huzaifah yang melihat situasi itu bertukar kehairanan.

“Kau dah kenapa, Wan?” Huzaifah meletakkan botol Pepsi di atas meja dan melabuhkan punggungnya di atas sofa ruang tamu itu.

“Macam mana kalau dia bangun, Jai? Macam mana kalau dia nampak aku yang tolak?” Mata Irwan sedikit membulat. Langkahnya semakin laju.

“Sekejap. Apa kau cakap ni?” Huzaifah mengangkat kening sebelah. Irwan duduk di sebelah Huzaifah, pandangan mata mereka bertembung. Lelaki itu menjelaskan semua perkara yang telah berlaku sebentar tadi.

“Kau dah gila, Wan? Kenapa kau buat sampai si Arif tu jatuh tangga?!” Huzaifah bangkit dari duduknya. Dia tahu sifat panas baran Irwan yang boleh meletus bila-bila masa sahaja. Namun dia tidak menyangka Irwan sanggup berbuat sesuatu sampai tahap sedemikian. Rakannya itu selalu dapat mengawal karakternya di sekolah, tetapi tidak kali ini.

“A… aku tak sengaja. Aku tak sengaja, Jai. Aku tak sengaja. Ishak! Dia yang bangkitkan kemarahan aku. Arif! Dia mengata di belakang aku. Bukan salah aku kan Jai?” Irwan memegang kepalanya dengan kedua-dua belah tangannya. “Macam mana kalau Cikgu Kamal tahu? Lepas tu, aku tak dapat bertanding pilihan raya. Presiden! Aku kena jadi presiden!” Irwan mencangkung di hadapan televisyen, menyorokkan kepalanya di balik kedua-dua belah lututnya.

Huzaifah masih dilanda kejutan. Dia perlu berhati-hati dalam pertuturannya saat itu. Sudah terang-terangan Irwan yang bersalah. Kasihanlah Mohammad Ishak jika terpaksa menanggung kesalahan orang lain.

“Jai!” Irwan mengeluarkan kepalanya, sedikit berteriak. “Jai, aku tak salah kan? Aku akan jadi presiden kan? Aku kena jadi presiden! Mak.. mak nak aku jadi presiden MPP.” Air mata Irwan mula menitis. Huzaifah bangkit, menuju ke arah Irwan. Tangan kanannya merangkul belakang badan rakannya itu. “Ya, kau akan jadi presiden.”

Tangisan Irwan mula berhenti. Dia menarik senyum. Huzaifah memandangnya dengan muka tiada perasaan, seperti biasa. Namun seribu satu perasaan yang sedang bermain dalam hatinya pada saat itu.

***

Huzaifah memandang buku menu di hadapannya. Namun dia sudah tahu minuman yang ingin dipesannya. “Milo ais satu, bang.” Pelayan itu mengangguk dan beredar setelah selesai menerima pesanan.

Tidak ramai pelanggan yang makan di restoran pada malam itu. Cuma satu keluarga di meja sudut dan dua orang lelaki di meja yang terletak berhampiran dengan kipas. Huzaifah lega dia memilih restoran itu sebagai tempat pertemuan mereka. Dia memandang kedua-dua individu di hadapannya.

“Saya minta maaf sebab telefon nak jumpa malam-malam ni. Tapi ada benda yang saya perlu cerita.”

“Pasal apa, Huzaifah?”

“Saya tak tahu nak mula dari mana, tapi saya kena cerita juga. Pasal Irwan.”

Pak Cik Shah dan Cikgu Kamal berpandangan sesama sendiri.

***

“Wan, mak nak Wan selalu belajar rajin-rajin, ya? Jadi anak soleh, berbakti kat orang tua, berbakti kat sekolah.” Rambut Irwan diusap lembut.

“Berbakti kat sekolah?”

“Buatlah apa yang Wan suka. Jadi presiden MPP ke, presiden kelab ke. Masuklah kelab dan persatuan.”

“Kenapa, mak?”

“Sekolah tu bukannya tempat untuk belajar saja. Masuklah persatuan. Berkenalan dengan ramai orang.”

“Hmm. Okey mak.”

“Jangan hidup sendiri. Dalam hidup ni, kita tak boleh hidup seorang diri, Wan.”

Irwan mengangguk.

***

“Sir Lim mana?” Syed memegang bahu Rashid yang sedang duduk di atas lantai Dewan Tertutup SMK Metrojaya itu. Tepat jam 3 petang nanti mereka akan mulakan kelas Tae Kwon Do. Syed dan Rashid masing-masing merupakan pemegang tali pinggang hijau dalam Tae Kwon Do. Sekiranya mereka menyertai Kelab Tae Kwon Do dari tingkatan satu, mungkin mereka sudah memegang tali pinggang hitam. Sayangnya mereka baru bermula tahun lepas.

“Rasanya Sir Lim tak datang hari ni. Dia kena mengajar ganti kelas Tae Kwon Do kat sekolah lain. Irwan yang akan ambil alih training macam biasa,” Rashid menekup mulutnya yang sedang menguap. Entah kenapa awal pula dia datang ke dewan hari itu.

Syed berjalan melintasi Rashid. Rashid menahannya. “Kau nak pergi mana?”

Syed menunding jarinya, menunjukkan figura seorang lelaki yang sedang duduk di hujung sudut dewan. Parut di pipinya jelas kelihatan dari jauh.

“Huzaifah? Sejak bila kau rapat dengan budak kelas 5 Zamrud?”

Syed ketawa. “Kau ni Rashid, don’t judge a book by its cover. Huzaifah tu walaupun kelas Zamrud, dia yang selalu dapat nombor satu dalam kelas. Dan ranking dia dalam tingkatan lebih tinggi daripada separuh budak kelas aku.”

“5 Delima? Maksudnya dia setaraf dengan kelas kedua terbaik?” Rashid terkejut mendengar khabar baru itu.

“Kelas Berlian ke, Delima ke, Zamrud ke, bukan boleh tentukan kepandaian seseorang. Jangan taksub sangat dengan perbezaan kelas ni, Rashid.”

“Tapi elok kau hati-hati juga dengan dia, aku ada dengar dia terlibat dengan kes buli sekolah kita,” Rashid masih ragu-ragu.

Syed mengusap kuat rambut Rashid, sengaja merosakkannya. “Sayang juga kau kat aku kan? Kau jangan risaulah. Aku taklah rapat sangat dengan dia, tapi aku tahu dia baik orangnya,” Syed mengatur langkah menghampiri Huzaifah.

Rashid menghantar Syed dengan pandangan matanya. Syed kelihatan berbual mesra dengan Huzaifah. Huzaifah juga kelihatan seronok berbual dengan Syed, meskipun wajahnya tidak berperasaan. Rashid berfikir sesuatu. “Don’t judge a book by its cover?”

“Kau dah kenapa cakap seorang diri?” Satu suara mengejutkan Rashid dari belakang. Irwan sedang mengangkat Target dan Body Protector yang digunakan untuk latihan Tae Kwon Do. “Eh, bos!” Refleks Rashid bangkit dari duduknya. Sewaktu kelas Tae Kwon Do, dia perlu lebih hormatkan Irwan memandangkan pelajar itu mempunyai tali pinggang hitam dan merupakan jurulatih ganti jika Sir Lim tidak ada. Sejujurnya dia tidak mahu dikenakan denda lebih-lebih saja di dalam kelas. Rashid mengambil Target daripada tangan Irwan.

“Tu ha, aku tengah tengok si Syed dengan Huzaifah.”

Irwan memandang ke arah yang dimaksudkan Rashid. Dia melemparkan senyuman kepada Rashid. “Kenapa dengan dia orang?”

“Tak adalah. Tak tahu pula aku si Syed tu dah rapat dengan Huzaifah sekarang. Dari tadi aku perhatikan. Seronok dia orang berbual. Tapi, aku tak tahulah apa yang budak berdua tu bualkan. Haha.” Rashid berjalan pergi, meletakkan Target di atas pentas di hadapan dewan. Irwan tidak berganjak. Pandangan matanya melekat kepada Syed dan Huzaifah.

“Nak angkat apa lagi, Irwan?” laungan Rashid dari hadapan mematikan lamunan Irwan. Dia menggeleng.

Kelas Tae Kwon Do pada petang itu bermula seperti biasa. Latihan asas tumbukan, tendangan dan latihan Taegeuk, sejenis latihan rutin mengikut pangkat tali pinggang. Selepas rehat, training diteruskan semula dengan Sparring, iaitu latihan berlawan. Irwan meminta hampir tiga puluh lima orang yang berada di dewan itu untuk duduk dan memerhatikan Sparring.

“Baiklah. Rasanya dah lama saya tak Sparring depan kamu semua. Untuk pusingan pertama, siapa yang nak Sparring dengan saya?” Irwan melemparkan senyuman.

Semua pelajar senyap. Rashid mengunci bibir. Hanya orang tidak waras saja yang akan mengangkat tangan untuk berlawan dengan jaguh Tae Kwon Do itu. Sudah berapa banyak perlawanan dan emas yang dikumpul si Irwan selama ini.

Irwan ketawa kecil di hadapan. “Jangan risau, saya akan kawal diri. Erm. Apa kata Syed? Jom kita Sparring.” Syed terkejut namanya dipanggil. Padahal dia sudah berkali-kali membaca doa dalam hati agar tidak dipanggil. Kini, semua mata memandangnya. Mahu tidak mahu, dia terpaksa bangkit meskipun kakinya terasa berat. Saat itu, barulah dia terasa menyesal kerana menuruti ajakan Rashid untuk sertai Tae Kwon Do tahun lepas.

“Biar aku jadi pengadil,” Rashid juga bangkit. Dia memang suka jadi pengadil.

“Boleh. Lepas ni, tukar pula. Saya lawan dengan pengadil,” Irwan mengukir senyum. Rashid menelan liur. Menyesal pula dia menawarkan diri tadi. Syed ketawa di dalam hati sambil memakai Body Protector. “Nak kena pakai Head Guard, Irwan?” soal Syed merujuk kepada pelindung kepala. Irwan menggeleng, memberi isyarat bahawa dia tidak akan berlawan secara berlebihan. Syed menuruti. Irwan juga menyarungkan Body Protector pada tubuhnya.

Rashid meletakkan tangan kanannya di tengah antara Syed dan Irwan. “Joonbi!” laungnya memberi isyarat agar masing-masing lawan bersedia. Irwan dan Syed mengambil posisi bersedia.

“Si chak!” Rashid mengangkat tangan ke udara, melaungkan arahan untuk bermula dalam bahasa Korea. Syed dan Irwan masing-masing melonjak kecil berulang kali. Syed cuba mencari ruang untuk menendang. Baginya, dapat melepaskan tendangan sekali pun jadilah.

Syed melepaskan turning kick dengan kaki kanannnya. Irwan berganjak sedikit ke kanan belakang, melepaskan diri dari tendangan. Syed mencuba turning kick dengan kaki kirinya. Irwan berjaya mengelak. Berkali-kali Syed mencuba untuk menendang, namun tendangannya cuma mengenai angin.

Nafas Syed semakin tercungap-cungap. Mana mungkin dia mampu menewaskan jaguh Tae Kwon Do di hadapannya itu. Irwan menarik sengih. “Giliran aku!” bisiknya yang hanya mampu didengari oleh dirinya sendiri. Irwan memusing badannya 360 darjah, melepaskan tendangan back thrust kick tepat mengenai Body Protector Syed. Syed terundur ke belakang, terasa tendangan yang begitu kuat telah hinggap di perutnya.

Irwan melepaskan tendangan turning kick kanan, kemudian kiri. Syed masih terundur ke belakang. Penonton yang melihat memberi ruangan kepada mereka untuk berlawan.  Irwan kembali melepaskan tendangan bertalu-talu dan Syed tidak mampu mengelak setiap satu tendangan itu.


Keringat membasahi pipi Rashid. ‘Woi..woi. Ini macam dah lebih-lebih. Patut aku hentikan ke?’ monolognya.

Huzaifah yang memerhatikan mulai bimbang. Apa pula yang membuatkan Irwan naik angin kali ini?

Irwan masih menyerang Syed. Tendangannya diselangi dengan tumbukan pada bahagian perut. Walaupun Syed memakai pelindung, tubuhnya masih terasa oleh tendangan dan tumbukan tersebut.

“Kelyook!” Rashid memberikan arahan untuk berhenti namun tidak diendahkan oleh Irwan. Irwan masih menendang Syed. Kaki kanannya ditarik sedikit ke belakang. Dia melayangkan Double Turning Kick, tendangan yang membuatnya sedikit melayang ke udara dan kaki kirinya hinggap di kepala Syed yang tidak memakai Head Guard. Syed terjatuh di atas lantai.

“Kelyook! Kelyook!” Rashid terkejut melihat Irwan yang menendang kepala Syed. Dia segera mendapatkan Syed yang terjatuh.

“Kau okey, Syed?” Rashid membantu Syed yang sedang memegang kepalanya yang kesakitan. “Okey. Okey. Aku okey.” Tindakannya memegang kepala bertentangan dengan pernyataannya. Rashid bangkit memandang Irwan.

“Irwan. Aku dah suruh berhenti kan tadi? Kenapa kau tendang kepala dia?” Rashid tidak berpuas hati.

“Aku tak dengar tadi. Teruja sikit sebab dah lama tak Sparring,” Irwan tersengih. Tangan kanannya mengusap belakang kepalanya yang tidak gatal. Dia berjalan ke arah Syed, tidak mempedulikan Rashid.

“Kau okey, Syed?” Irwan memandang Syed, tersenyum.

Syed mengangguk lantas mendongak, memerhatikan lelaki yang mempunyai senyuman penuh misteri itu.

***

Hari pengumuman keputusan pilihan raya sekolah sudah tiba. Empat orang calon presiden MPP sedang berdiri di atas pentas dalam perhimpunan rasmi sekolah, tidak termasuk Arif Ikmal yang masih berada di hospital. Semua pelajar tertanya-tanya tentang presiden baru yang akan mentadbir sekolah pada tahun ini. Keempat-empat pelajar yang berada di atas pentas sedang menjadi tumpuan semua warga sekolah yang berada di situ pada hari itu. Namun berbanding keempat-empatnya, Irwan yang paling banyak menerima perhatian, terutamanya dalam kalangan pelajar perempuan.

“Syarifah, kau rasa antara lima orang senior kita, siapa yang akan menang?” Omar berpaling kepada Syarifah, rakan sekelas yang sedang beratur di sebelahnya.

“Kenapa kau tanya soalan tak masuk akal? Mestilah Abang Irwan aku!” Syarifah mencebik bibirnya.

“Tapi, Arif Ikmal kelas 5 Delima tu pun hebat juga. Kalau aku, aku rasa Arif Ikmal,” Han mencelah tiba-tiba.

“Abang Irwan! Tak ada yang boleh lawan kehenseman dia,” Syarifah membantah.

“Abang, abang. Geli aku. Beza dua tahun saja pun dengan kita,” Han buat muka menyampah.

“Cemburulah tu. Abang Irwan, aku tak boleh lupa dia senyum kat aku masa aku bagi kad good luck hari tu,” Syarifah mula berangan.

“Eleh. Entah-entah dia buang saja kad tu dalam tong sampah. Dikoyaknya jadi empat bahagian, buang dalam tong sampah sebelah,” giliran Han pula mencebik.

“Haha. Pandailah kau berimaginasi, Han. Dah, senyap. Pengetua dah nak umumkan presiden kita,” Omar meletakkan jari telunjuk pada bibirnya. Mereka bertiga kembali fokus terhadap ucapan Pengetua sekolah.

“Baiklah. Dengan ini, saya umumkan, sebanyak 254 undian, presiden Majlis Perwakilan Pelajar SMK Metrojaya tahun ini ialah… roll the drum, please…”

“… Arif Ikmal!” Tepukan gemuruh kedengaran, meskipun tuan badan tidak berada di tempat kejadian.

Mendengar pengumuman itu, senyuman pada wajah Irwan yang sedang berdiri di atas pentas perlahan-lahan bertukar kendur.

***

“Kau yakin tak nak main bola dengan aku petang ni?” soal Syed sambil berjalan beriringan dengan Huzaifah. “Tak apa. Kau orang mainlah. Aku nak singgah rumah kawan petang ni.”

“Oh, rumah Wan yang kau selalu cerita tu?”

Huzaifah mengangguk. Langkah kakinya terhenti apabila Syed berhenti di hadapan kelas 5 Berlian. Dia yakin Syed sedang mencari Rashid. Huzaifah turut menjenguk, mencari kelibat Irwan. Pasti rakannya itu kecewa teruk selepas hanya menyandang jawatan Naib Presiden MPP.

“Rashid, jom main bola petang ni. Ajak Irwan, Azad dengan Karim sekali,” Syed melaung dari luar.
“Boleh, boleh. On,” Rashid mengangkat tangannya.

“Tapi Irwan baru saja balik, Syed,” Azad yang berada di sebelah Rashid bersuara.

“Aik, awalnya dia balik hari ini. Dia frust dengan keputusan pilihan raya kot,” Syed menggaru kepalanya yang tidak gatal.

“Tak juga. Sepanjang hari dia senyum saja. Tapi waktu balik tadi, dia macam resah sikit, terburu-buru nak balik,” Azad menjelaskan.

Huzaifah pantas masuk ke kelas 5 Berlian, matanya bertembung dengan mata Azad. Azad terundur sedikit ke belakang, gentar melihat Huzaifah yang sedang memegang kolar bajunya. “Wan ada cakap dia nak pergi mana?” nada Huzaifah meninggi. Personalitinya yang tadi kelihatan tenang bertukar gelisah.

Azad menoleh ke arah Rashid, minta diselamatkan. Rashid memandang Karim yang sedang makan lolipop. “Karim, dia ada bagitahu kau dia nak pergi mana?”

“Oh, ha ada. Dia cakap dia nak pergi hospital, jenguk adik dia Irham,” Karim menjawab selamba. Huzaifah kaget. Dia melepaskan genggaman kolar baju Azad.

“Panggil Cikgu Kamal sekarang,” Huzaifah memberikan arahan.

“Jai, kenapa ni?” Syed kelihatan bingung. Azad, Rashid dan Karim juga tertanya-tanya.

“Aku kena pergi cari Wan sekarang. Maaf Syed aku tak join petang ni,” Huzaifah bergegas keluar.
“Huzaifah, apa masalah kau?” Rashid mengangkat sebelah kening.

“Masalahnya, adik Irwan dah meninggal dunia lima tahun yang lepas,” Huzaifah melangkah pergi, menghilang dari pandangan.

Azad, Rashid, Syed dan Karim berpandangan sesama sendiri. Azad mengelap keringat di dahinya. “Habis tu, siapa adik yang selalu dia cerita selama ni?”

***

“Saya minta maaf sebab telefon nak jumpa malam-malam ni. Tapi ada benda yang saya perlu cerita.”

“Pasal apa, Huzaifah?”

“Saya tak tahu nak mula dari mana, tapi saya kena cerita juga. Pasal Irwan.”

Pak Cik Shah dan Cikgu Kamal berpandangan sesama sendiri. “Apa yang kamu nak cerita pasal anak pak cik tu?” Pak Cik Shah meneguk kopi Pak Belalang kegemarannya.

“Saya syak, Wan ada Personality Disorder. Saya taklah pandai sangat dalam Sains, Cikgu Kamal. Tapi saya adalah juga baca simptom-simptom penyakit tu kat internet.”

“Jai, apa kamu merepek ni? Personality Disorder? Apa benda tu?” Pak Cik Shah meletakkan cawan kopinya di atas meja. Dia tahu mengenai penyakit itu, namun masih tetap ingin mendengarkan penjelasan yang lebih lanjut.

“Personality Disorder tu ringkasnya macam ada lebih daripada satu personaliti, pak cik. Tapi itu cuma apa yang saya syak saja. Maaflah kalau saya buat tuduhan tak pasal-pasal.”

Cikgu Kamal merapatkan tubuhnya ke meja, berminat untuk mendengar. Selain guru disiplin, dia juga merupakan seorang guru subjek Sains di SMK Metrojaya. “Huzaifah, cuba kamu ceritakan dekat cikgu dan Encik Shah, kenapa kamu cakap macam tu?”

Huzaifah memandang tepat mata Cikgu Kamal. “Macam ni cikgu. Saya dengan Wan dah lama kawan baik. Sejak darjah satu lagi. Saya kenal Wan tu orangnya macam mana,” Huzaifah menarik nafas panjang.

“Dalam lima tahun yang lepas, adik Irwan meninggal dunia sebab kena langgar dengan kereta depan rumah. Kemalangan tu berlaku betul-betul depan mata Wan sendiri. Saya ada masa pengkebumian adik dia. Saya tahu macam mana patah hati Wan bila satu-satunya adik dia meninggal dunia. Dia memang rapat dengan adik dia. Betul kan, pak cik?” Huzaifah memandang Pak Cik Shah.

“Betul. Dia orang berdua memang sangat rapat,” Pak Cik Shah tidak mahu berkata panjang. Pilu hati mengenangkan kisah itu. Mana ada dalam dunia ini, seorang ayah yang sanggup melihat anaknya pergi dulu sebelumnya.

“Mula-mula saya ingatkan Wan okey. Dia boleh tersenyum pergi sekolah dan tak ada apa-apa yang berlaku. Tapi bila saya datang rumah pak cik, kadang-kadang saya nampak dia sedih, dan dia cepat marah daripada biasa. Saya rasa, perubahan Wan mula terjadi masa arwah Mak Cik Hajar disahkan menghidap kanser setahun selepas Irham meninggal dunia.”

Pak Cik Shah mengerutkan keningnya.

“Saya faham pak cik selalu sibuk dengan kerja. Mungkin sebab tu Wan lebih rapat dengan Mak Cik Hajar. Saya sendiri pun jarang nampak pak cik kat rumah Wan. Depan Mak Cik Hajar, Wan selalu berlakon kuat. Tapi belakang ibu dia, dia selalu menangis. Saya kagum dengan Wan. Saya tak pernah jumpa orang yang lebih tabah daripada dia.” Air mata kelelakian Pak Cik Shah mulai gugur perlahan. Cikgu Kamal tekun mendengar.

“Hampir hari-hari pak cik, saya tengok Wan jaga ibu dia. Jaga makan minum, mandikan, ceriakan Mak Cik Hajar. Sampai hari arwah meninggal, Wan juga yang ada di samping dia,” Huzaifah menahan dirinya daripada menangis. “Pak cik, cikgu, macam mana perasaan, bila kita tahu orang yang kita sayang akan meninggal, kita buat macam-macam untuk dia, tapi kita jugalah yang jadi saksi orang yang kita sayang tu hembuskan nafas yang terakhir di hospital?”

“Saya rasa, Wan selalu salahkan diri dia atas kematian arwah Irham dan Mak Cik Hajar. Sebab tu saya akan selalu jenguk dia, buat apa yang saya mampu untuk dia. Saya tahu keluarga pak cik semua tinggal jauh, dan pak cik pula selalu sibuk. Tapi saya rasa, Wan sebenarnya perlukan sokongan yang kuat dalam hidup dia.”

“Jadi… sejak bila kamu perasan Irwan ada Personality Disorder?” soal Cikgu Kamal.

“Saya rasa, keadaannya makin serius sejak arwah mak cik meninggal dua tahun yang lepas. Waktu tu kami baru lepas PMR. Kalau kat rumah, dia akan mengamuk secara tiba-tiba, menangis secara tiba-tiba, ketawa tiba-tiba. Kalau saya cerita pasal kawan-kawan saya, saya perasan dia akan melenting. Parut di pipi saya ni pun, sebab dia marah kat saya. Saya faham kenapa dia buat macam tu. Mungkin, dia takut saya pun pergi?” Huzaifah menunduk berfikir.

“Mula-mula saya ingatkan dia cuma stress tapi lama-kelamaan, saya syak itu bukan lagi tekanan, tapi penyakit. Kadang-kadang dia ada juga cerita pasal adik dia bermain dengan dia. Saya rasa Irham cuma imaginasi yang dia wujudkan dalam minda dia untuk tenangkan diri dia sendiri.”

“Saya ada kaji juga maklumat ni dalam internet. Saya rasa saya terlalu banyak mengkaji sampai satu tahun saya tak buat benda lain,” Huzaifah separuh bergurau.

“Dia pernah buat apa-apa yang serius selain cederakan kamu?” Cikgu Kamal meneguk minumannya.

“Sekali tu saja dia cederakan saya. Lepas tu dia menyesal, merayu minta saya maafkan dia. Tapi, cikgu mesti tahu kan kes Arif Ikmal petang tadi?” Cikgu Kamal mengangguk. “Sebenarnya Wan yang tarik Arif sampai jatuh tangga. Sebab itu saya telefon, nak jumpa cikgu dan Pak Cik Shah.” Cikgu Kamal dan Pak Cik Shah terkejut. Pak Cik Shah tidak mampu menahan sesalnya kerana tidak memberikan perhatian kepada anaknya selama ini. “Saya harap Ishak tak dikenakan hukuman yang salah, walaupun dia yang mulakan pergaduhan.”

“Saya ada permintaan untuk cikgu dan pak cik.”

“Apa?” Kedua-dua lelaki yang berusia dalam lingkungan 40-an itu menyoal serentak. Mereka masih dilanda kejutan dengan cerita Huzaifah.

“Cikgu Kamal, saya harap cikgu boleh buat sesuatu supaya Ishak atau Wan tak kena sebarang hukuman? Kalau Wan kena pun, sekurang-kurangnya selepas selesai pilihan raya. Wan kata, itu yang arwah Mak Cik Hajar nak.”

“Pak Cik Shah, saya harap pak cik boleh luangkan masa untuk bawa Wan jumpa pakar psikiatri. Sekurang-kurangnya kita boleh sama-sama rawat dia.”

“Terima kasih Jai, sebab ceritakan semua ni. Walaupun pak cik gagal jadi ayah yang baik, pak cik bangga Wan ada kawan macam kamu. Pak cik minta maaf sebab anak pak cik yang sebabkan parut kamu.” Pak Cik Shah serba salah.

“Tak apa, pak cik. Sakit saya boleh sembuh. Sakit Irwan, saya tak tahu macam mana nak hilangkan.”

***

 Huzaifah berlari pantas ke tempat motosikal. Jantungnya berdegup kencang. Entah kenapa, dia mempunyai firasat buruk sejak pengumuman presiden MPP pagi tadi. Dari kejauhan, dia dapat menangkap kelibat Irwan yang baru sahaja hendak meninggalkan parkir motosikal. “Wan!”

Irwan mematikan sebentar hasratnya untuk bergerak. Huzaifah pantas berlari mendapatkan rakannya. “Kau okey?” Namun Huzaifah tidak dapat menangkap reaksi wajah Irwan di sebalik topi keledar merahnya. “Kau nak pergi mana, Wan?” Huzaifah membetulkan nafasnya yang masih tercungap.

“Hospital,” sepatah lelaki itu menjawab.

“Kenapa?” Huzaifah menyoal.

“Sebab aku yang sepatutnya jadi presiden MPP, bukan dia!” Irwan memecut, meninggalkan Huzaifah di situ. “Wan, aku ikut!” Huzaifah melaung. Lelaki itu pantas mendapatkan motosikalnya dan cuba mengejar rakannya.

Huzaifah berjaya menyamakan kedudukan motosikalnya bersebelahan Irwan. Dia menoleh kiri, cuba mendapatkan perhatian rakannya.

“Wan, kau nak buat apa ni?”

“Jangan ikut akulah!” Irwan maju ke hadapan.

“Wan, berhenti!” Huzaifah mengikuti rodanya.

Irwan menoleh ke hadapan, sebuah lori dari arah bertentangan sedang bergerak laju ke arah mereka. “Jaiiii!!!” Irwan pantas bergerak ke hadapan, menghalang motosikal Huzaifah.

Baaanggggggggggg.

Kedua-dua rakan itu terlambung dari motosikal masing-masing.

***

Gelap.

Perlahan-lahan kedua-dua kelopak matanya dibuka. Ruang putih. Bau ubat-ubatan. Irwan terbatuk-batuk kecil.

“Irwan? Irwan dah bangun! Rashid, kejut pak cik, ” Azad teruja. Rashid mendapatkan Pak Cik Shah yang tertidur di sebelah katil hospital itu. Pak Cik Shah bangkit, berdiri di sisi anaknya.

“Jai! Jai mana, ayah? Jai mana?” Irwan mula berteriak memanggil nama rakannya. Dia langsung tidak peduli dengan keadaannya sekarang. “Jai mana?!”

“Wan?” Huzaifah muncul dengan tangannya yang berbalut.

“Jai!” Irwan cuba bangkit, namun Pak Cik Shah menahannya. Azad dan Rashid berundur, memberikan ruang kepada Huzaifah.

“Jai. Kau tak apa-apa, kan? Kau okey kan?” Irwan cuba mengangkat tangannya namun terasa berat.

Huzaifah mengangguk. “Aku okey, Wan. Kau jangan banyak bergerak,” Huzaifah tersenyum, namun setitis air matanya gugur. Dalam kondisi Irwan sebegitu, dia masih memikirkan tentang orang lain. Sewaktu dia menjenguknya ketika Irwan belum sedarkan diri, doktor memberitahu bahawa tangan kanan dan kaki kanan Irwan telah patah. Huzaifah cuma mengalami sedikit keretakan di tangan.

“Jai, maafkan aku Jai. Lain kali aku takkan tinggalkan kau. Jai, maafkan aku Jai. Maafkan aku,” Irwan merayu agar dirinya diampunkan. Tangisannya tumpah. Dia sudah pernah merasakan dua kehilangan terbesar dalam hidupnya. Dia tidak mahu ditinggalkan lagi. Jantungnya berdegup kencang. “Jai jangan pergi, Jai. Jangan pergi,” Irwan masih berteriak seperti orang histeria.

“Tak, Wan. Aku tak pergi mana-mana. Aku kat sini,” Huzaifah cuba menenangkan.

“Betul tu Irwan. Huzaifah tak pergi mana-mana,” Azad cuba meyakinkan.

“Betul kau tak pergi mana-mana? Kau maafkan aku Jai?”

“Ya Wan, aku maafkan kau,” ujar Huzaifah walaupun dia yang sebenarnya berasa bersalah atas kemalangan itu. Huzaifah dan Pak Cik Shah saling berpandangan.

***

Cikgu Kamal berlari-lari anak mendapatkan Huzaifah dan Pak Cik Shah yang sedang berdiri di luar wad. “Huzaifah, kamu okey? Irwan macam mana?” Bahu Huzaifah dipegangnya lembut.

“Saya okey, cikgu. Wan dah sedar tadi, tapi sekarang dia dah tidur. Kawan-kawan ada kat dalam tengah tengokkan dia.”

“Maaf saya lambat, Encik Shah. Saya baru dapat berita. Alhamdulillah kalau Irwan dah sedar,” Cikgu Kamal menarik nafas lega.

“Cikgu, lepas Wan sedar tadi, dia meraung panggil nama saya. Dia minta maaf, lepas tu janji tak akan tinggalkan saya. Padahal kemalangan semua tu bukannya salah dia pun. Saya pun tak tahu apa niat sebenar dia nak datang ke hospital ni. Saya tak tahu macam mana nak tolong dia, cikgu. Saya buntu.” Huzaifah menunduk. Ketika itu, Azad dan Rashid keluar dari wad.

“Saya terkejut tadi masa nampak Irwan menjerit panggil nama Huzaifah. Rupanya kau orang kawan baik. Tapi pelik sebab kau orang tak pernah bercakap kat sekolah. Saya cuma pernah nampak sekali saja Irwan berbisik dengan Huzaifah di kantin sekolah.” Azad membahasakan dirinya dengan panggilan ‘saya’ di hadapan Cikgu Kamal dan Pak Cik Shah. Lagipun, dia masih belum rapat dengan Huzaifah.

“Patutlah saya rasa macam kau berdua kenal satu sama lain,” Rashid mencelah. “Minta maaflah sebab dah tuduh Huzaifah yang bukan-bukan,” Azad tiba-tiba rasa bersalah. Sesuka hati saja dia menuduh Huzaifah pembuli dulu.

“Huzaifah, Encik Shah. Saya ada cadangan. Memandangkan Irwan paling dengar cakap Huzaifah buat masa sekarang, saya rasa inilah waktu yang terbaik untuk kita sama-sama rawat Irwan. Kita boleh bawa pakar psikiatri ke hospital ni.”

“Irwan sakit apa, sebenarnya?” Azad terpinga-pinga. Huzaifah masih menunduk.

“Ya, Jai. Pak cik rasa betul apa yang cikgu kamu cakap tu. Kali ni, pak cik takkan ulang kesalahan yang sama. Pak cik akan ada di sisi anak pak cik, sebab apa yang paling penting untuk dia sekarang ialah sokongan.”

“Betul Encik Shah. Sokongan daripada saya sebagai cikgu, Encik Shah sebagai ayah, Huzaifah, Azad, Rashid sebagai kawan-kawan. Kita kena sama-sama bantu Irwan,” Cikgu Kamal meyakinkan.

“Walaupun kami tak faham sangat apa yang terjadi, tapi Irwan tu kawan kami. Kami akan sokong dia, kan Azad?” Rashid melontar pendapat. Azad mengangguk sambil tersenyum.

Huzaifah mendongak, menembak sebuah senyuman yang jarang ditembaknya.

***

DUA TAHUN KEMUDIAN.

“Omar, nanti pinjamkan buku latihan Matematik kau waktu rehat. Aku terlupa nak siapkan,” Han tersengih memandang Omar.

“Kau ni Han. Asal tak siap je Matematik. Asal Matematik je, tak siap. Kita dah nak ambil SPM tahun ni. Sedarlah wahai sahabatku!” Omar menggeleng kepala tanda kecewa. Padahal dia sendiri pun belum menyiapkan latihannya. “Syarifah, pinjamkan aku buku Matematik kau,” sesuka hati saja Omar meminta rakan sebelahnya.

“Ah, daripada aku pinjamkan kau berdua, baik aku pinjamkan dekat presiden MPP kita si Yusuf tu,” Syarifah memandang ke arah MPP yang sedang memasang mikrofon di hadapan perhimpunan.

“Ish.. ish.. pantang nampak lelaki kacak,” Omar menggeleng kepalanya.

“Eh, itu siapa?” Han menunjuk ke arah lima buah motosikal yang baru muncul di pekarangan sekolah.

“Erm, aku ada dengar cerita. Katanya hari ni ada alumni nak datang sekolah kita. Itu sajalah cerita yang aku dengar,” Omar memberikan maklumat yang tidak berapa membantu.

“Eh, itu kan Abang Irwan!” Syarifah menekup mulutnya tidak percaya.

Irwan dan empat orang penunggang motosikal yang lain turun dari motosikal masing-masing. Huzaifah membuka topi keledarnya.

“Wah, baru setahun lebih saja kita masuk universiti, rasa macam dah bertahun-tahun tak jejakkan kaki kat sekolah,” Huzaifah memandang sekeliling. Tidak banyak perubahan sejak dia kembali ke sekolah untuk mengambil keputusan SPM dahulu.

“Kita nak jumpa cikgu mana dulu ni?” Arif Ikmal membetulkan kedudukan motosikalnya.

“Kita jumpa Cikgu Kamal dululah. Aku paling banyak buat salah dekat Cikgu Kamal. Hahaha,” Ishak tergelak sendiri.

“Ya, aku ingat lagi kita pernah jumpa Cikgu Kamal sekali dalam pejabat dia. Jahatnya aku dulu. Aku mati-mati ingat kau dah kena gantung sekolah, rupanya tak kena pun. Aku sendiri pun tak kena gantung. Hairan aku,” Irwan mula membuka kembali kisah lama, menyesali tindakannya. Huzaifah mendiamkan diri. Dia yang sebenarnya meminta Cikgu Kamal untuk tidak mengenakan sebarang tindakan. Arif Ikmal juga telah bersetuju dengannya dahulu.

“Tak perlu nak buka cerita sedih kat sini. Sebabkan peristiwa itulah aku dah banyak berubah, sampai dah berkawan baik dengan Presiden dan Naib Presiden MPP sekolah kita,” Mohammad Ishak merangkul bahu Irwan.

“Kau dah lupa ke, Wan dah letak jawatan dulu?” Huzaifah menyinggung lengan Ishak. Ishak tersengih, sengaja.

Irwan ketawa sendiri. “Alhamdulillah, lepas aku letak banyak jawatan, keadaan aku makin baik. Paling penting, sebab aku dapat sokongan kawan-kawan macam kau orang semua, terutamanya Jai. Banyak salah aku dah buat dulu kat kau orang, tapi kau orang masih sanggup berkawan dengan aku.”
Arif Ikmal menampar belakang badan Irwan. “Kan Ishak dah kata, tak payah buka cerita sedih. Cepatlah aku dah tak sabar nak tengok muka terkejut Cikgu Kamal ni.” Irwan mengukir senyum. Dia tidak tahu apa yang mungkin dilakukannya kepada rakannya itu sekiranya dia tidak ditimpa kemalangan dulu. Ternyata, ada hikmah di balik semua musibah yang datang.

“Jom!” Irwan, Huzaifah, Ishak dan Arif bergerak dengan penuh rasa teruja. Langkah Irwan terhenti. Dia menoleh belakang.

“Awak, buat apa termenung kat atas motosikal tu? Jomlah,” Irwan mengukir senyum.

Seorang gadis bertudung yang mengikuti rombongan mereka mengangguk, membuntuti langkah rakan-rakannya.

“Untunglah ada Lisa!” Huzaifah di hadapan menjerit dari kejauhan.

“Petang ni main bola kat padang jom!” Arif Ikmal mengajak penuh semangat.

“Jom! Ajak Cikgu Kamal sekali,” Ishak mempercepatkan langkahnya.

Irwan tersenyum. Tiada sebarang kata yang mampu mengungkapkan perasaannya pada saat itu.


TAMAT

Kredit foto: Google